Dumb and Dumber
by add-duck
Summary: These two deserve each other. Warning: There be slash here.
1. Homespun Wisdom

Casey had grown to hate being summoned to Arthur Branch's office. Sure, he often gave her excellent advice – his suggestion to make the jury understand that the murder trial was, in fact, about murder had been brilliant – and sure, he was unbelievably understanding about the fact that that she had never won a single case. But if she had to listen to one more story about his farm days, she felt she would scream.

"Ah, Cassandra, come in," Branch drawled. "Did I ever tell you about the time my cousin Billy-Jo and I went alligator hunting down in Tennessee?"

Casey lapsed into a coma. When she awoke, Branch was concluding. "So if Billy-Jo hadn't been there, that gator would've gotten me, sure as there are nuke-ular weapons in Iraq. That's why it's always a good idea to have backup. Do you understand?" Casey nodded.

"Good. That's why I'm assigning you a second chair on this case." Branch pushed the intercom button. "Miss Southerlyn, would you come in please?"

Serena entered the room and proffered her hand to Casey. "My name is Serena Southerlyn, how do you do," she said woodenly.

Hubba, hubba, Casey though, reaching out to shake Serena's creamy white hand. She wasn't getting anywhere with that lady detective, but maybe working closely – _very _closely – with this babe would give Casey the opportunity to get lucky. She mentally took back every bad thing she'd ever thought about Branch. "I'm Casey. Do you play softball?"

Serena shook her head. "Serena's a very gifted attorney," Branch supplied to break the silence. 

"Well, I guess we should go do some prep work," Casey finally said. "Let's order some food. Do you like ribs?"

"Why is everyone always trying to feed me?" Serena pouted as she followed Casey out the door.

Jack stuck his head out from under Arthur's desk. "Is she gone?" Arthur nodded. "Thank god. She's always flirting with me...it was getting so annoying."

"Well, givin' you a few days off from her is my Christmas gift to you, Darlin'," Arthur said fondly. "Now get your head back down where it belongs!"


	2. Trial and Tribulations

The next day, the trial began. The opening statements had been uneventful. "You only objected twice during counsel's statement…I'm impressed, Ms. Novak," Judge Petrovski wasn't even sure herself if that was sarcasm or not. "Are the people prepared to inquire?" 

"Yes, your honor," Serena and Casey replied in unison.

Uh-oh. The dynamic duo had forgotten to decide who got to question the witness. Casey looked over at Serena and shrugged. "Rock, paper, scissors?" she asked.

Serena frowned. "We've got some paper on this legal pad thingy, and I always carry my nail scissors in my Louis Vitton bag, just in case. But what do you want a rock for?"

Casey rolled her eyes. "It's a _game_," Casey explained. "To decide who gets to go first."

"Oh!" Serena exclaimed. "I knew that!" The girls counted to three, and Serena made a fist while Casey spread her fingers. "Rock beats up paper!" Serena squealed, pounding on Casey's hand for emphasis. "I win!" 

Casey, expert that she was in all competitive games, knew full well that paper beat rock. However, she was still hoping to score with Serena later on, so she grudgingly conceded victory to the blonde attorney. Clapping her hands with glee, Serena approached the witness stand.

"De_tec_tive _Ben_son," Serena asked, overemphasizing her diction as always. "Is _it_ true that your investi_ga_tion concluded that the de_fen_dant is guilty as sin?"

"Objection! Leading," Casey rose smartly to her feet. 

Judge Petrovski took a flask out of her robes and took a deep swallow of burbon. Serena whirled around furiously. "You're not supposed to object to _me!" _she hissed.

"Oh, Uh, withdrawn," Casey sputtered.

"Oh no, Ms. Novak," Petrovski said, wiping a few errant drops from her chin. "I'm sustaining that objection. Congratulations, you finally won one. Too bad it was against your own team."

The unfortunate defense attorney had been taking a sip of water at just that moment. When he heard the judge's ruling he laughed so hard he aspirated the whole glass and slumped over the counsel table, unconscious. Normally, this would prompt Judge Petrovski to grant a recess. But given the circumstances, she doubted that the defendant was in any danger of being convicted, with or without conscious representation. And she was desperate to get this trial over with. "Continue, Ms. Southerlyn."

"Detective Benson," Serena asked, "What was going through the defendant's mind when he raped a little girl?"

"How would I know, you hand-flipping moron?" Olivia exploded.

"Ob_jec_tion, your honor!" Serena pouted. 

"_You can't object to your own witness's answers_," Petrovski said through clenched teeth.

"Are you sure?" Serena asked. "Because I don't think the book says anything about that." She moved towards the counsel table to retrieve her dog-eared copy of the _Idiot's Guide to Trial Advocacy. _

"Are you questioning my knowledge of the law, Counselor?" 

Casey felt it was her duty to stick up for Serena. She leapt up. "Your honor, I object to your badgering my co-counsel!"

Petrovski put her head in her hands and counted to ten. It didn't help. She counted to twenty. Nope, still no good. Well, she'd tried. Her head snapped up. "I find the pair of you in contempt of court," she snapped. "Bailiff, take them to the lockup."

Casey's jaw dropped. "If you jail both of us, what happens to this case?"

"I'll give you a multiple choice answer," Petrovski said. "A) Continuance. B) Mistrial. C) Dismissal. What'll it be?"

"Continuance!" "Mistrial!" Casey and Serena gave different answers.

"Both wrong." Pertovski turned to the defendant. "Sir, you are free to go. I am so sorry you had to witness this mockery of a legal proceeding." 

"No harm done," the defendant said jovially. "In fact, these lovely ladies have inspired me to pursue a law degree. I figure, if they can do it, anyone can!"


	3. Jailhouse Confessions

"So tell me," Casey said as they sat in the county lockup, surrounded by burly women who looked like they might make good additions to the softball team, "how did you get through law school? Really."

"Hard work and determination, of course!" Serena said indignantly. Casey stared at her. "Okay, not really," Serena admitted. "I slept with my Contracts professor." Casey continued to stare. "Oh all right, I slept with my Torts professor too. And my Con Law professor. Oh! And the Dean of Admissions, of course," Serena giggled. 

Casey was impressed. "Wow, you must really have a thing for older men. Did you get this job by sleeping with your boss?"

"Only in my dreams," Serena sighed. She slipped into a momentary reverie, thinking of Jack and picturing him straddling his Harley. Mmm, Jack. "But who says it's just older men?" Serena continued. "I'll have you know, the Torts professor was a woman."

Casey's heart surged with hope. She reached out and put a hand on Serena's pastel-clad arm. Serena smiled encouragingly. 


	4. Dumb and Dumber

Olivia walked back into the squad room after her brief appearance in court. Nobody bothered to ask how the case had gone; they'd been working with Novak long enough to know the answer to that one. "How long did it take for the judge to throw out the case this time?" Munch asked sourly.

Olivia sighed. "Oh, about ten minutes," she replied wearily. "I was the first witness up, and I didn't get to answer more than two questions."

Fin's eyes bulged. "Even for Novak, that's gotta be some kinda record! That's messed up."

"Well, she had a little help," said Olivia, helping herself to a cup of coffee.

"What, the defense attorney was that good?" Elliot asked.

"No, her co-counsel was that bad."

Elliot choked on his coffee. "From what corned of hell did Branch manage to pull another attorney as bad as Casey?" he sputtered.

"From the homicide division, apparently," Olivia sighed.

Munch's ears perked up. "I think I know the one you mean. Skinny, blonde and with a voice that never changes inflection?"

"That'd be the one. Her name is..." Olivia sighed sourly, not wanting to defile her mother's given name by using it in connection with this vapid ninny. "Her name's Serena Southerlyn."

Everyone howled with laughter. They'd heard the cops from the 2-7 bitch about what an idiot that girl was. "How can two lawyers that stupid be aloud to live?" Elliot choked out through tears of merriment.

"Oh Southerlyn's stupid all right, but I think Novak's just ignorant," Munch observed seriously. "There's a difference, you know."

"No, I think they're both stupid," Olivia countered. "And clearly judge Petrovski agrees with me…she held 'em both in contempt!" More hysterical laughter ensued. 

Cragen, who had been lurking in the doorway to his office, sauntered over. "You mean that both the attorneys in the Sex Crimes division are currently in jail?" he asked incredulously. Olivia nodded, doubled over with laughter. "Well," he continued, sarcasm creeping into his voice, "Doesn't anyone think they should go down there and bail them out?"

That stopped the laughter but quick. All the detectives began fidgeting with their coffee and staring at their shoes. "Come on, children!" Cragen exploded. "If we have no lawyers, what does that mean for this unit?"

"No one to tell me to lay off the perps," Elliot put in immediately.

"No one asking us nosy personal questions," Olivia supplied.

"No more stories about the softball team and the equestrian team and the Tour de France," this from Munch.

"And no skinny white bitch showing up at the crime scenes and gettin' all in my business!" concluded Fin. 

"Also, it means no search warrants, no arraignments and no convictions!" Cragen thundered.

"Not like Casey ever did those things for us anyway," Olivia muttered under her breath.

"So does this mean we get a half day?" Munch asked eagerly.

"It means that one of you is going to the courthouse to bail them out. NOW!"

Elliot knew when he was beat. "C'mon, Liv," he said, grabbing the car keys off his desk. "Let's hurry before the blonde one becomes somebody's bitch."


	5. Happy Ending

As they approached the cell at the county lockup, Olivia's jaw hit the floor. "Looks like we're too late," she murmured.

Serena was sitting on Casey's lap, and the former's arms were draped protectively around the latter's shoulders . "Back off lady, she's mine!" Casey snarled at a skinny junkie who was leering at Serena. The other woman shrugged and wandered away.

Serena giggled. "Now Counselor, why don't you continue with that fascinating story about your ice hockey days?"

Olivia and Elliot gaped for a few minutes. "Should we tell the Captain that we couldn't find them?" Elliot finally whispered.

"Oh yeah!" Olivia snorted, tugging Elliot away before she erupted into laughter that would alert the attorneys to their presence. Although frankly, the two of them were so preoccupied Olivia doubted that they would have noticed if she'd jumped up and down and screamed "We're hear to bail you out!"

Hell, maybe they didn't WANT to be bailed out. "We spent our first night together in jail," is a hell of a story for the grandkids.

Back in the car, Elliot sniggered. "Novak and Southerlyn...can you believe it?"

"I don't know," said Olivia. "I think they deserve each other."

Still chortling, the detectives drove away.


End file.
